Dear daughter,

Here are some things I wanted to share about how to get the best from your interactions with the male of the species, drawing on my own experience of being one for more than 60 years:

Firstly, our biggest “secret”—boys and men are often not as emotionally strong as they seem.

That confident exterior may just be a defence against vulnerability. Help him feel safe expressing his feelings with you. Be patient if he’s not good at this . . . he’s probably doing his best, but hasn’t had much practice.

He won’t be able to read your mind, and may not understand your “hints.” This does not necessarily mean he doesn’t care about you. Tell him clearly what you are feeling and needing. Then, if he’s not interested in that . . . dump him.

Only do what you’re completely comfortable doing, in or out of bed.

If he wants you to act like a porn star, try to educate him about the difference between fantasy and reality. If he doesn’t seem to get that . . . dump him.

Show him what you like physically and emotionally so that he can be the lover for you that you would like him to be, and that, probably, he would like to be. Affirmations will always be welcome in that area. But if he shows no interest in your needs . . . dump him.

RELATED: Sorry Men, Sex is Not a Reward

Trust what he does more than what he says.

Men are trained to use words as tools to get results, more than as ways to express true feelings. And don’t be fooled by show-offs or discount the quieter boys—they may love you best and be the most fun to be with.

He will respond much better to you telling him what you need, than to you telling him what you want him to do or think is wrong with him.

Be proud of who you are and what you like (as long as it doesn’t hurt other people).

You don’t need any other justification or approval from anyone. This way you can never be emotionally, or in any other way, blackmailed or pressured.

Most boys and men want to be kind to their partners, but may have been convinced by conventional male stereotypes that this is unmanly. His biggest fear will be of not being “man enough.” So reassure him regularly that you think sensitivity is strong . . . and sexy.

RELATED: Hey, Tough Guy: Your Health Matters

When he needs it, let him have some time away from you, on his own or with his mates; don’t take it as a rejection.

Let him come back to you of his own volition. And if, by any chance, he doesn’t . . . good riddance.

Give him time to figure out what it is he’s feeling so that he can tell you.

If he feels rushed or pushed it will probably make him defensive, and you will maybe never find out what’s going on for him or make him feel safe enough to commit to loving you.

Much love,
Dad

This post originally appeared on The Good Men Project.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Steve Garrett

I am a Cardiff (Wales)-based social entrepreneur, writer, poet and musician (aka ‘Stainless Steve') with a long-standing interest in gender issues (and love!). I’m an Ambassador with The White Ribbon Project to end violence against women, and I’m training to run workshops with men in prison for the Alternatives to Violence Project. I recently recovered from my commitment-phobia and got married, and I write about what I’ve finally learned as a man about relationships, in the hope that it may be interesting and/or helpful to others.  My first book of poetry ‘Coming In’ was published by Accent Press in 2018.

My Dad Showed Me the Greatest Lessons Are Taught Through Example

In: Fatherhood
grandpa holding donut box with grandson

Waiting at the window, I arranged the blue ruffles on my brand new dress and flipped my hair around to look just right. It was a night to be fancy. It was my first date. My face was flushed as I looked forward to the night ahead. I knew it was a big deal to be taken out and I would get special treatment. I would pick the restaurant and maybe we would have some ice cream and walk around downtown before the sun went down. After that, I was pretty sure we could go to the store and that...

Keep Reading

It Doesn’t Matter How Old I Am—I’ll Always Need My Daddy

In: Fatherhood, Grown Children, Living
Vintage photo of little girl on bike with her dad

I have always been a Daddy’s girl, much to my mom’s frustration.  She always said my dad and I were wired the same, and that’s why it’s always just “worked.” Sure, we have had our struggles and frustrations—when two people think almost the exact same way, certainly there will be battles. But my dad has always had my back, without fail.   Whether he had to question a school decision or staff my senior class retreat (yes, my dad is featured in my high school yearbook), I knew he would be there. He thought he would lose me someday, that having...

Keep Reading

I’m Just a Little Boy, but Daddy You’re Teaching Me How to Be a Man

In: Fatherhood, Marriage
Daddy on the floor playing with son, color photo

I’m only a little boy, still too young to tie my own shoes or make my own breakfast. My days are filled with playtime, snacks, lots of hugs from Mommy, and plenty of tickles from you, Daddy. Right now, my life revolves around me and you and Mommy. I don’t know much about the world outside our home yet. I haven’t learned about responsibility or self-discipline or sacrifice. I haven’t had to find my place in the world yet. But I guess I’m pretty lucky because even though you may not know it, you’ve already begun teaching me everything I...

Keep Reading

You’re the Father You Never Had and I’m So Proud of You

In: Fatherhood, Marriage
Dad and kids walking on beach

Can I tell you about my husband? He’s amazing. He’s kind and doting and loves Jesus, but perhaps his most endearing trait is the absolutely incredible father he is.  In our early days of dating, he was crippled by the fear of what type of father he would be. To him, fatherhood was burdensome, grumbling, abandonment, and fighting for the final dollar during tax season. His experience as a son crippled his anticipation as a father.  But I knew it all along—what an incredible dad he would be. Although I must admit, he has often far surpassed what I even...

Keep Reading

To the Stay At Home Mom From Your Husband: I See You

In: Fatherhood, Marriage

To the woman who sacrificed her comfort zone—leaving her family, friends, and everything she’d ever known—to follow her new husband across the country for his job: I see you. To the wife who pours herself into making a house her home, only to have to move again: I see you. To the wife who put her career, education, and personal pursuits on hold for the sake of her family: I see you. To the mom who went through pain and misery for nine months, only to have motherhood turn out to be nothing like she’d dreamed and longed for it...

Keep Reading

I Struggled With My Son’s Diagnosis, But Found Hope in the Special Needs Community

In: Fatherhood, Tough Times

When I found out I was going to be a father I was beyond excited. My wife and I had been trying to conceive for years before she got pregnant. So, when she told me I was going to be a father I wanted to shout it to the rooftops! I made sure to call my wife every day at work to make sure she ate lunch. I’m sure I annoyed the heck out of her. We later found out that we were having a boy, and started to plan everything. We started to paint the baby room with blues...

Keep Reading

My Son is Growing Up, But I’ll Hold On To the Pictures Forever

In: Fatherhood

A certain part of my heart longs for these moments to never change. I look back on pictures like this one, where my oldest son tastes the salty breeze on his lips for the first time, feeling the sand underneath his toes and laughing out loud at this wholly new experience. I look back and want to freeze it, but in something more than a single picture, more solid than a flimsy memory, more lifelike in substance than what a camera can fashion. RELATED: Stay With Me a Little Longer, Daddy Because that little person who could not stand without...

Keep Reading

I Want My Sons to See How Important It is to Cover Your Wife

In: Fatherhood, Marriage

Transparent moment—I did not always do the best job of covering my wife. Early in our marriage, I was often guilty of being selfish. Our first of four childbirths had contentious moments. From the whistle I jokingly wore on our first trip to the hospital while she was in labor, to me telling her in the midst of her frustration that if we didn’t have the baby that night, she could decide if she’d go into work the next day—I’m not proud of the way I handled some of the challenges. RELATED: 5 Ways To Love Your Wife After the...

Keep Reading

Dads: Your Kids Love Doing Things Because They Get to Do Them With You

In: Fatherhood

This piece was co-written with the author’s husband, Nathan Glenn. I remember my husband taking our daughter golfing for the first time and wondering if she’d enjoy it like he did. He’d dress our kids up in Pittsburgh gear, hoping they’d love the Steelers and Pirates and Penguins as much as he does. When we imagined our someday kids, he hoped he’d have someone that would want to play catch with him and go sit on the banks for hours fishing. Now here we are over a decade into this parenting three thing, and our oldest has her own clubs...

Keep Reading

This British Dad’s Parody of Orlando Bloom’s Daily Routine Has Us Cracking Up

In: Fatherhood

Two men on the same parenting journey see things a bit differently. Read to the end for this British dad’s hilarious take on what it’s like to be a father if you’re not a famous A-list celebrity. Ever since his cinematic debut as Legolas in the Lord of the Rings film series, celebrity actor Orlando Bloom has been capturing hearts around the world. Let’s be honest, we all know why our wives were so excited when Pirates of the Caribbean hit theatres. Outside of fantasy, there’s not much that makes Mr. Bloom relatable to the average Joe. However, parenthood tends...

Keep Reading